Life in Fast Forward

I never thought at 20 years old I would be sitting writing my 21 year old husbands obituary. I knew since I was 12 all I ever wanted to do was get married and have kids. Jordan was love at first sight, even though he had a girlfriend and my best friend had the hots for him. I knew he had to be mine, and 2 years later he was.

It seems like our life together went so fast. We had only dated 3 months before I got pregnant. During that time we went through the worst of times together, but as long as we were together we knew it would be okay. We lived in a tent through the hot summer months and the last trimester of my pregnancy. It was then that he made the decision that has now shaped my life into what it is today.

In August 2005, two days after my daughter was born, he left for boot camp. I had horrible post partum but through the letters he wrote everyday and the millions of pictures I took for him, I made it to graduation where we got married on family day, October 28th, 2005. Never had I thought that would be me. Everybody loved Jordan, he was so cool, hot (90% of his friends were girls) and more. How did I get the outgoing, fun loving, hot guy that everybody else wanted??? To this day I don’t know why he chose me.

We later moved to Ft. Bragg where I found the purpose of my life….. being a army wife and a mother. I couldn’t have been happier giving up everything I had ever known in my life in Michigan to move to North Carolina with my husband. I had no friends and knew no one, like so many of us. It was just me and my baby. With Jordan being Calvary and Airborne he had crazy hours and would spend weeks at a time in the field. He went from hating to conform and having a boss, to getting smoked all the time, to loving his job and being a great solider and battle buddy to his friends. He made me so proud to see the man he had changed into, from cutting off his Afro and giving up his rasta, skateboarding, hip hop life style that had made me fall in love with him, to this hard working, physically fit, responsible friend, soldier, and adult. WOW, changes I thought could never happen….some good an some not so good. Through the worst and best of times I always knew things would only get better.

In January of 2007 Jordan was deployed to Afghanistan. We talked everyday on a cell phone he bought. I seemed to never worry about him, just miss him. He was supposed to come home in October for leave, just in time for our anniversary and my 21st birthday, which for the first time I wanted to be the one to get drunk so he could carry me home. like I had for him so many times. ha ha He would just laugh an say, “I’ll believe it when I see it.” He never got to.

On August 11th, 2007, I got that knock on my door. I sat in shock as my daughter wrote on her face with permanent marker. I think how could such a large life force, someone everybody loved, who loved life so much ,who was so strong and healthy, who had so many plans just be gone just like that? I called his phone over and over, expecting him to answer and tell me they were wrong. A million memories ran through my mind, then the questions started.

I know my story sounds like so many others, but everyone of our husbands were and still are special to us for different reason. My husband’s smile could make any ones day better, his goofy sense of humor, his amazing creative artistic love for drawing skating and music, his sweet laugh, or his loving eyes…........I could go on forever. It will be one year next month, August.

My daughter just turned three, an nothing is getting easier, some days harder. I have no idea where I’ve been wandering around without my body for the last year, making stupid decisions and just being plain crazy. I find myself crying more now then I could 6 months ago, the numb is wearing off and the anger is starting to take over. I’m very glad i found this group, I really needed to know there are more people feeling and going through some of the same things as me, and I’m not completely crazy. My own strength still amazes me, some of the things I have accomplished, i wonder if it weren’t for my daughter would i still be able to do these things so many times i want to give up an she keeps me getting out of bed each morning. I could go on forever about my love for J. Goode, but there’s not enough words in the world to describe him.

He wrote me a letter in boot camp that said, “From the carriage to marriage or where ever life may lead us, I’ve got your back. Rest your head on me.” I try to live by that now and do the same for him. He gave up the life he loved to make mine better and I will live my life to honor his mission and cherish his memory.