My Monkey

I have so many feelings right now that writing them down would take too long.
I was married to a wonderful man for almost 14 years.
I met him at a mall 15 years ago and my goal was to date him for a while and then dump him (lol). I had had so many bad relationships and was so sick of being the dump-ee that I was bound and determined to be the DUMPER!!! Well that did not go as planned. He won my heart before I won his.the best quality of Tom was his smile. he thought good of everyone. He showed me what it felt like to really be in love. I thought many times in my life I was “in love” not so much(lol) my parents used to tease me and say, “If a monkey looked at you, you would marry him” Pretty sad huh?
Well my monkey was Tom and I married him 9 months after meeting. Some people were betting on how long our marriage was going to last. So each anniversary we always played the song looks like we made it by Shania Twain. It was a perfect song for us.
I am not going to lie to you when I tell you we had our bad times but we also knew that we took vows and we took them very seriously.
I am who I am today because of Tom. He made me feel beautiful. He gave me courage to believe in me. I am not sure what quite happened but a part of me, an important part of me, died with him.
I feel lost and alone and afraid. Those traits are not anything that is like me at all. Will I ever feel like me again?
people say that he did not define me I defined him.well maybe we defined each other.For 14 years I was Toms wife and very proud of it. I was a military wife and proud of it. I am a mother and I am blessed because of my girl Lexi.
I am not taking for granted one minute of what I have today, however I truly miss what I don’t have. I hope someday I can focus again on what I do have and not on what I don’t have. I have become a very negative thinking person, which is also not like me.
I never thought in a million years that I would ever lose my Tom. He was very fit and very active in Bicycle riding.I thought if anything, because I am so out of shape that I would go first.go figure!!!!
To remember his voice I have to play home movies. To remember how he smelt I have to go smell his clothes. To remember his touch I have to lay in bed and close my eyes and be real quiet.It has only been 4 months.
What is it going to be like in a year? I don’t want to forget him,but how can I stop it from happening.
His friend in the military tell me stories. Some of them remember him for his “Wright moments” that is putting it in a polite way (lol) he had a temper and at first it upset me, but eventually I just started to laugh at him which in turned made him laugh,but really most people remember him as kind , unselfish, funny, and never a judging person.
He loved the military. He believed in what he was doing which in turn made me very proud to be his wife.
I had someone tell me once that I am missing him because he had become a habit of mine. I really wasn’t quite sure what she was telling me?
I know that people really are trying to say the right thing but with death there isn’t “the right thing” or the “wrong thing “to say or do. just being there for me and letting me ramble on about how much I miss him is the best thing to do.
I have very special friends in my life right now, which I can honestly say without them right now, I would be having a much more difficult time right now.
His troops should be coming home soon and I will be there to say welcome home to each and everyone of them and to thank them for what they have done for us. They made it possible for me to walk down the street without worry that something was going to happen.
I thank the military men and women who are serving our country and helping us be protected.
My family and some of my friends believe that it may not be a good Idea for me to be there at the home coming that it may reopen wounds I simply said those wounds haven’t even begun healing yet.that I wanted to go and it was important to me to be there to share in the happiness of them all coming home safe and sound.
To all the men and women who are serving the armed forces I thank you from my heart to yours.
God bless you all.