One Year

I thought I could offer my "wisdom" (not!) on the one year thing. Disclaimer: I haven't been doing too well the past couple of weeks, so I probably shouldn't even be writing this right now!

For the one year anniversary of Brian's death I didn't have anything planned. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel, I had been in a funk for quite awhile before and I didn't want to "obligate" myself to do anything. It was either that morning or the day before, I was talking to Braelyn's (my stepdaughter) mom and asked what they were doing. I decided to have Braelyn and her mom over on the night of the 18th. Then, I called my mother-in-law, Brian's niece, my parents, brother, etc and we ended up having a pretty large get-together. Another one of my friends, Cassi Nolen, said she and her family went to her husband's favorite restaurant on the one year. I did that on my husband's birthday. We set up a tradition for Braelyn to drink Thai tea on Brian's birthday (that was his favorite)...I figure she can find some Thai tea no matter where she is for the rest of her life on her Daddy's birthday. I guess my biggest piece of advice for the one year would be to surround yourself with family, with people who will understand if you just want to hole up in bed or cry or do something they might not expect--like go out or something. I learned long ago never to judge anyone who is grieving/in our situation, lol. I didn't ask them to, but I guess my family and friends were just on stand-by that day, in case I needed them. Cause I decided last minute to do something and everyone was there. I talked to a lot of Brian's friends from the first two tours that day. I also emailed all of Brian's soldiers from this third tour--they were still in Iraq at that point. (Sidenote: They JUST returned home last weekend---so they had a 15 month deployment. I think that's what's wrong with me lately. My husband didn't come home with everyone else. But it doesn't make sense...I don't live on/near base. I don't have TONS of military wife friends. I don't know what it is. I don't know if it's the anticipation of the guys who have said they want to come meet me. Of meeting the guys that were with my husband when he died. I don't know, but I am definitely in a funk--which is such a stupid word for what this actually is and feels like, lol. I know you understand.)

Back to the one year. What surprised me was that the actual day was okay. The ones leading up to it were bad. The ones after it were bad. On December 19th, one year and one day after my husband was killed, a thought struck me. The first year is a treasure! It's the only year that on any given day I could say, "Last year, on this day, Brian and I were doing this or that." Even after the one year of his deployment date...I still could have said, "This day, last year, my husband was still alive." Starting December 19th...I could never say that again. Such a simple, stupid thought, but I couldn't get it out of my head. It's the same as the seasons changing, as Brae growing up, etc--something is always there to take me further and further away from him. Time. No matter what stage/cycle/spiral I am going through at that point, even if I feel like it happened yesterday or that it's been years or if I fool myself into believing there was a mistake and he's coming home---I am thinking one of those thoughts AND being forced further away from him at the same time.

But here is what I hate the most about my "advice" or "rant about my experience", lol, whichever you want to call it. It's not any better now. I know there's not a time limit on grief and I know it comes and goes in cycles and waves. I know that after a year or two or five, you don't automatically start handling everything better. But it would be nice if there was an end in sight, ya know? A couple of months ago, I met a widow whose fiance had been killed Nov 14, 2007. We met about 2 weeks after his death. I remember thinking to myself--you know, it's been nearly a year for me and I am still such a wreck. How can I give her hope or help her at all? We are friends and still see each other, so the thoughts didn't cause me to bail on her or anything.

Anyway, like I said, I probably shouldn't even be writing because of the funk I've been in. There isn't any one answer to the one year thing, obviously. I don't know. Maybe I should have started some type of tradition or something--like I did for his birthday. It's almost just a day to get through. Like every other day, I've found. At first, I thought there were obvious milestones to get through...wedding anniversary, his bday, my bday, deployment date, thanksgiving, death anniversary, xmas, new years, brae's bday (in that order)---but then I'm pistol whipped yet again with something I didn't anticipate would affect me--like stupid December 19th. Or the day his unit came home. And I'm sure there are more of those unexpected blows to come.